


Regret-less

by sehn_sucht



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Character Deaths, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Period-Typical Homophobia, dave dies in this one, depictions of wartime violence, falling in love in war, mentions of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 00:50:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18510553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sehn_sucht/pseuds/sehn_sucht
Summary: Dave Katz had never meant to be a soldier. He was never meant to die in the trenches of the A Shau Valley. But even at the untimely end, he was glad he ever enlisted to begin with.





	Regret-less

Dave Katz wasn't meant to be a soldier.

It wasn't because he didn't have the mettle for it no was it due to the fact he had been drafted. In fact, he had signed up the minute the war in Vietnam was declared. It brought him pride to be able to defend his country as well as defend those in South Vietnam. Communism was a scourge; a scourge that destroyed countries and gave rise to dictators. He wouldn't let it take over the country he loved if he could help it. Dave Katz wasn't meant to be a soldier because he wasn't meant to die young. There was no reason for him to believe he would. His father had fought in World War Two. Of course, Dave had been a small boy when his father left and he couldn't appreciate his bravery. But as he grew up he saw the pictures of his father with POWs, with his fellow soldiers storming the beaches and liberating camps. He wanted to be the man his father was. Genuinely, Dave Katz wanted to help people.

He was a good boy at heart, his mother said. He was always helpful but that never compromised his masculinity. He played football, went to church, helped out their neighbors. He was the all-American boy that every mother wanted to come to dinner. He was the boy that all the girls wanted to marry. And yet, he wasn't interested in them. He took some girls out on dates through his younger years, to dances and out to the movies. But his interest never lasted beyond an initial kiss, if that.

Dave was a good boy, though, even if he slightly delved into less-approved activities. He picked up his old man's habit of smoking. That wasn't entirely becoming but it was the fashion. His sister Rachel commented how it made him look like James Dean and he took that as the biggest compliment. Except with his traditional good lucks and genuine personality, it didn't entirely suit him. He liked drinking whiskey, gin, anything strong. He tried to delve into moonshine but he never got passed the liver-shriveling taste. North Carolina was infamous for its moonshine but Dave would never touch the stuff. He got drunk a few times but never in front of his mother. He valued her too much to embarrass her or his father in such a way. He was a good, Jewish boy. He went to temple and studied all the sacred texts. He followed the rules to a T. For all accounts, David Katz was the pinnacle of goodness.

If he hadn't become a soldier, Dave would have been suited for being a police officer. His moral compass led him to breaking up many a fight in town or at school. At college, when tempers would flare, he wasn't afraid to throw a punch to quell any further violence. He was reprimanded a few times but it never escalated beyond that. Dave had a good reputation amongst others. It was the pride of his family. He was slated to do great things

So it wasn't a surprise when he enlisted in the US Army. It was an immense source of pride for the Katz family, however. His father put in a few words for him. When he got to basic training, Dave was affectionately called by his last name and given an easier time. But when he was offered to avoid the endurance tests, he refused. What good was a soldier who got the easy way out? That wouldn't teach him anything and it would get someone killed on the field. He stuck with his comrades till the end of every day. It gave him a good reputation and allowed him to be the glue that stuck the platoon together. Matthews, James, Thomas, Jeremiah, Andrews, and others. Together, the 173rd Airborne Brigade was formed as a tight-knit brotherhood. A band of brothers. There were twenty of them in total. They faced deployment bravely.

May 1965 was the day they were dropped into country. Dave had never jumped out of a goddamn airplane before. But he figured now was a good time as any to try. War wasn't what he thought it was. His father had prepared him but words could only do so much. Dave wasn't prepared for the bloodshed and the immediacy of death around him. That fourth day, Matthews had been speaking to him one moment and the next he was gone. To be more accurate, he was a gel of blood and organs splattered throughout the jungle floor. Dave vomited for a good hour. Still, he wasn't seen as weak. Not when he vomited from shock, not when he stayed up the entire night, nor when he broke down at the edge of a river in the early hours of the morning. His superior, Renegade Rogers, didn't scold him. He merely handed the soldier a cigarette and a flask and told him to come to camp before the whistles sounded.

Dave adjusted. Every soldier did to some degree. But some adjusted in more terrifying ways than the others. Some turned to drink, others to abusing pain medication the medics gave them. Dave had seen many a guy start to nod off only to get shot by ground snipers or step on a mine accidentally. He vowed he'd never let that happen to himself. So he resumed his role as the glue that held the band together. Even as original company members dwindled, due to death or transfer to another unit, Dave kept the brothers together. They were all a family and they had to depend on each other like one. It was a role that kept him sane throughout every battle, every loss of life and every triumph. They'd get through this war one way or another.

\--

He had been in country for two and a half years when a flash of blue light changed his life.

The guy was scrawny, bloodied and beat up. Dave had been shocked out of sleep but he could see that much. Looks were exchanged and he thought nothing of it until they were loaded onto the bus to be shipped out near Saigon. The new guy seemed skittish and unsure. Dave had seen this plenty of times. No one gave the new recruit even a friendly hello. Rogers had certainly screamed at him when the whistles went off for them to get into firing position. The guy had to be watched after through all the chaos and uncertainty of the next few hours and that was a liability.

Dave knew he'd need a friend. Or, at least, a friendly guide. Especially if he was going to be in the 173rd.

Klaus was his name. And he was a weird one. He was someone to look out for, Dave initially thought. He was skittish and unpredictable. A witty comeback always appeared to dance at the tip of his tongue. Sarcasm and comebacks like that weren't always a way to make new friends. Dave took it upon himself to be Klaus's guide, to help him ease into life in country. That bond was cemented at Klaus's first true battle. Dave had taught him how to fire a gun (what the hell were they teaching these new recruits if they didn't even know how the fire a gun?). He taught Klaus to always keep a spare handgun on him in case he was caught up close. It was a tip from his old man and it had been something that had saved his life in France. Dave always kept his father's advice as close to his chest as he did his Star of David. Klaus seemed to take to this advice like a fish to water. Not that he had a choice.

It was after that first battle that Dave decided Klaus Hargreeves was never meant to be a soldier, either. But not for the reasons he, himself, wasn't.

Klaus was initially unreliable. He was too caught up in his surroundings and in the chaos. That almost got him killed if Andrews hadn't knocked him to the ground and out of the way of an explosion. Andrews got shrapnel to the shoulder but he would survive. So would his arm, for the time being. Klaus had gotten chewed out but it was as if it didn't phase him. He took it then went off somewhere, coming back drunk as hell. Dave didn't blame him at all. And when things at camp were calmer, he spoke to Klaus to check in on him. That night, Klaus didn't sleep. Neither did Dave but for a different reason.

Dave had learned to be a light sleeper; you had to be when death was around every corner. Klaus's muttering and his pacing drew him from slumber. As if on reflex, he got out of his bed and offered a flask and a cigarette. That began a ritual between the two men. No matter where they'd camped, Dave and Klaus would go to the same spot behind their bunks to smoke and to talk. And it was here that Dave learned about Klaus. Well, as much as he could.

Klaus was fucked up, to say the least. He had a whole gaggle of siblings (his poor mother, Dave had thought) and a father who treated them like weapons. One of his brothers had run away from home. The other had died. Dave saw the pain on Klaus's face and couldn't imagine losing Rachel. Rachel who was twenty-one and going steady with a guy she'd met at college. He couldn't imagine her not existing anymore. And before he could stop himself, he put a sympathetic hand on Klaus's shoulder. They talked about family, about why Dave was there. Dave felt like talking to Klaus was the easiest thing in the world. It was as easy as breathing. It became their routine.

Klaus admitted to Dave, one month in, that he did drugs. That wasn't unusual to Dave; he knew a lot of junkies in the army. He also wasn't stupid. He'd seen Klaus's shaking hands and heard his multitude of complaints for nearly two weeks. They'd endured it. They all did. It was just something you had to face in the army and see if they stuck out the shakes or if they succumbed to it. That very night, prior to going to their usual spot, Dave had found Klaus standing in the shower with all his clothes on. He was trembling and complaining that his body was too warm. Dave had retrieved Klaus's spare clothes--they only received two pairs now--and gave it to him to redress. Dave wasn't a doctor; he didn't know how to get a guy through withdrawal. But he did try to make it easier. Talking helped a lot, they found, and so did music. They discovered their mutual interest in The Doors and Dave heard Klaus go on about these other songs he'd never heard of. From the beats he tapped out, they sounded interesting. And so it got easier for Klaus. His shaking eventually stopped and, even though he spoke about scoring a hit of something strong, he took to smoking like the rest of them. It didn't satiate his cravings entirely, but Klaus compromised with Dave on that. And so, it got easier.

\--

"It doesn't get easier, does it?"

Klaus had asked him that after a particularly rough day. It was his second month in country and they'd lost Thomas and Jeremiah. Jeremiah had been pinned down by gunfire and both Klaus and Dave were able to get to him. Just as Jeremiah was hoisted to his feet, a bullet went through his brain. Dave remembered the look on Klaus's face and how the horror stayed on his face as they dragged their brother's body back to friendly lines.

That night, Klaus had immediately gone off on his own. Dave wouldn't ever admit it but was worried. He remembered how he had reacted when Matthews died right in front of him. It was a scene that would haunt him forever. But Klaus wasn't Dave; he wouldn't adjust as easily. He seriously hoped the other man hadn't deserted; it was punishable by death. But he didn't make a scene. Instead, Dave went through the rest of his day and silently hoped Klaus wouldn't make a decision that could ruin his life.

Klaus was seated on his own cot when the guys came back from dinner. They carried through until lights out playing cards, gambling with cigarettes and even a few joints. Klaus was good. No, he was better than good. Dave marveled when he cleaned everyone out but still shared some of his winnings. It was a small show of selflessness that Dave hadn't seen from Klaus before. 

When they were alone behind the tent and Klaus asked that question, Dave didn't know how to answer. The truth was no. No, it wouldn't get easier. You'd adjust but there was no telling what it would do to you. Some guys went insane and they talked to themselves. That would earn them a discharge and a reputation as a loon. Others offed themselves. Dave hadn't seen it, but he heard of one guy stepping into the line of fire so the VK would end it for him. Rogers had told him of a guy he found hanging from the showers. The guy had been young--about twenty.

"You'll adjust."

That earned a grave laugh and Dave instantly regretted saying it. But it was a reflex.

"No, I won't."

They shared a look then and it was probably the most vulnerable either had been in a few weeks since the withdrawal discussion. Dave couldn't have his walls up around Klaus. Though they'd only known each other for such a short period of time, they'd fallen into a comfortable friendship. Dave swore he'd known Klaus for longer than two months.

"Neither will I."

Because, truth be told, Dave hadn't adjusted. He'd convinced himself for two and a half years that he had and there was nothing that he hadn't seen before. War had changed the gentle boy from North Carolina but that boy was grieving each loss on the inside. 

Klaus seemed to recognize that. They both seemed to recognize the mutual suffering in each other. Dave was, by his own admittance, more adjusted and well-off than Klaus was. But that didn't deprive him of the ability to suffer and feel pain. It was a shitty, hellish situation for them both. The two men shared another cigarette and, before they went back into the tent, an embrace. It wasn't intimate by any means but to Dave it sure as hell felt intimate. It was better than any kiss.

\--

Dave liked men. It was something he came to terms with when he'd gone to college. Kissing girls, bedding girls didn't feel right to him. He heard all the arguments against it and internalized it. This was just something he couldn't share with anyone. He considered himself lucky he didn't act like a sissy. He saw how his father and other people talked about the "faggots" who lived in New York or in the big cities and who heaped praises on their small town because the perversions hadn't infiltrated it.

It wasn't safe to be who he was in his hometown. 

Drunken moments of intimacy happened in college, but guys were different. Guys used alcohol as a crutch and an excuse for everything. They'd shake it off, give it a laugh, and share a beer. It was a laugh in the morning to cover up feelings that may or may not have been there. Dave recalled a brief stint with a friend in college but that ended as quickly as the semester had. It had only been three weeks and Dave didn't dare allow himself to dwell on what would happen. Because he knew nothing could happen. He'd accepted it long ago.

Klaus was, what his father would call, a flaming faggot. Dave cringed as he could practically hear the old man's insult echoing in his mind and he felt guilt for thinking it. Because Klaus Hargreeves was more than that and he could tell. But men like his father would never see it that way. Dave, himself was guilty of thinking those thoughts and saying those words. But it was the culture of where he was.

Guys would mention how Klaus behaved, how he expressed himself. Of course it was all finished when Klaus entered a room. But guys talked. And in war, you had to focus on something other than violence to keep sane. And Dave wondered if Klaus, indeed, was gay. He'd mentioned girlfriends to them but he wondered how much of that were lies. A lot of what Klaus said was nuts. Sarcastic comments about time traveling, being from the future were commonly dropped from his mouth like bombs. But they all chalked it up to Klaus being the eccentric guy he was.

Dave casually asked if Klaus had a girl waiting for him at home. Klaus nearly laughed and recounted how his last girlfriend had left him the minute he'd taken her favorite skirt and heels. And that seemed to answer Dave's question. For a moment. 

He'd be lying if he said there wasn't mutual interest between them. Klaus and Dave were thick as thieves. They were best friends and as close as you could be if you spent hours marching or killing enemy soldiers. There was a genuine bond there that Dave treasured. But it was a bond he didn't want to ruin.

Then again, he couldn't be misreading signs. They spent nearly all their time together, they shared cigarettes and interests. It felt like when he had been dating back at home and the girl showed interest. It had to be. But Dave didn't want to be wrong. He didn't want to ruin what he and Klaus had between them. Especially since Klaus was doing a lot better. 

\--

Klaus had been in country nearly four months when they went on leave to Saigon together.

This was the opportunity for them to truly let loose. Dave had been itching for a drink for weeks now and when he finally got it, it tasted like liquid candy. He and Klaus had paid for a motel room together. Leave pay wasn't the best but it was enough to get them a room with two beds. Actual beds that weren't cots. Dave hadn't slept so well in months. Klaus, who rarely seemed to sleep, was out like a light the moment they got inside.

The next night, the platoon all planned on going out together. Dave had his civilian clothes but Klaus had come with nothing. Nothing except that suitcase he'd been guarding so carefully ever since he arrived. "Family heirloom," he'd said, patting it whenever he was asked about it. Why bring it to Vietnam if you hate your family so much? "We all make stupid decisions" was Klaus's careless response. Dave learned not to press Klaus on certain issues. It was his business and he respected that even if his curiosity was great.

 

That night soon became a whirl of music, disco, and booze. The Doors was playing which was the perfect cap on it all. Each man took turns buying a round of drinks for the men in the bar. There were pretty girls (prostitutes, as Klaus had told him later), endless music and alcohol. Dave had most of his senses but not enough to dance well. He'd never been a good dancer, honestly. It wasn't a surprise when he bumped into Klaus who was dancing just as eccentrically. Klaus commented over the music how he'd never seen Dave let loose before and Dave had responded with the suggestion of shots.

Klaus held his own pretty well but Dave proved himself to be better. He didn't know how many shots they'd done together but he opted to stop when he felt himself becoming unsteady on his feet. Luckily, he was controlled enough to know when he was finished. 

They'd found a small back room that was private enough and had a window opened. Both men were uncoordinated enough that they needed to lean against the wall near a beaded curtain. Klaus commented about Dave not being able to hold his liquor and Dave shot back something about Klaus knocking over a General's expensive bottle of wine mere moments before. A hearty laugh was shared between them.

This was the biggest risk Dave would ever take. And he was a goddamn soldier with nearly three years in Vietnam under his belt.

Klaus had a thoughtful, internalized look on his face and Dave wanted to shake it out of him. His hand reached and touched the other man's loose curls. His calloused palm contrasted the smoothness of Klaus's face and he affectionately caressed where he was holding. As drunk as he was, he was able to notice the initial surprise on Klaus's face. Dave's hand remained frozen where it was placed as the two stared at each other. Klaus had the ability to do so much at the moment. Dave wasn't exactly expecting a punch in the face but he was expecting rejection.

Imagine his surprise when Klaus set his glass aside and faced him. 

Dave led the kiss. It was slow to start, giving Klaus time to decide to pull away. But he never did. And when he kissed back, Dave felt his heart blooming.

He didn't remember the walk back to the motel. Unfortunately, he did remember how inexperienced the night was. But Klaus never judged him. Klaus was good like that. He was kinder than he gave himself credit for. He was patient with Dave as nervousness was expressed. Dave had always been vulnerable and never was it more evident than in this moment.

But they discovered each other together, moving in time and taking it step by step. Klaus's name breathed from Dave's lips like a prayer and never had he felt closer to God than in that moment.

The morning sun was partially obscured by the drawn shades but Dave still marveled at Klaus's appearance in the rays that shone through. More acts of affection were shared. They had three days and three nights of leave; it seemed like an eternity in Dave's book.

Of course, they had to have a discussion. But they liked each other--though, Dave knew, it was more than like. They were drawn to each other and had been from the moment they'd unexpectedly met. Whatever this was, both were committed to making it work.

Klaus marveled how Dave was willing to give someone like him a chance. That was something that never ceased to break Dave's heart with each reminder.

\--

The months they'd spent together felt like years. Centuries, even, on the longer days. They found time to spend together and cherished the moments on leave they received. It seemed the higher-ups wanted to boost morale and giving the soldiers frequent leave did just that. 

Klaus fell into step with the rest of the platoon and proved himself. He had Dave to thank for that. Dave had Klaus to thank for everything. For company, for friendship, for companionship. They looked out for each other and became a duo that was one to be reckoned with. Their partnership benefitted them in every way. Even at night when they couldn't be touching, they would go to their spot behind the tent and speak. Intimate gestures were sparse but treasured nonetheless. 

It was a bad night when Klaus told him the truth.

There were't many original members of the 173rd left. Dave felt old and worn down with each new passing or transfer to a different unit. Andrews had finally been discharged home for he was too injured to continue fighting. Truth be told, Dave wasn't sure Andrews would make it a week back in the States. He'd be just another soldier who took too much dope or swallowed a bullet.

It was something Dave couldn't, and wouldn't process. Dave Katz seemed like a perfect man but even he had his flaws. He left Klaus in their motel room and went for a walk. Truly, it was more than a walk. He had to get a drink. It was a lot to process and it seemed like the biggest lie imaginable. Klaus saying he could see and speak to ghosts, that he was from the future and wasn't born in 1948. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Dave knew it was true. Klaus didn't act like anyone he'd ever met before. He seemed fucking insane.

Hours had passed and it was morning by the time Dave returned to the room. Klaus was there and it seemed like he hadn't moved. But the bloodshot look in his eye and a needle on the bedside table. They talked for hours until the middle of the day. Dave would never fully understand Klaus or what had brought him there. He even felt betrayed for having been lied to. But he would make an effort; that much he would give.

Their relationship was never perfect. They argued, they had disagreements. They were both suffering. But they'd learned throughout the months that communication was the key to their friendship and their subsequent relationship surviving. 

\--

It had been half a year since Klaus had come to country. It was three years since Dave had been dropped in. And on that day, Dave Katz admitted that he loved Klaus Hargreeves. 

It wasn't romantic in any way. It wasn't like how movies portrayed it. It was more tragic than that, perhaps. They were both covered in blood and grime that clung to them like layers of skin. They were still in the trenches they had built when they'd been transferred to the front lines. The shit was harder here than it had ever been.

They were alone. They'd been given the call to go back to camp and the others had started trudging away. Dave and Klaus were side-by-side as they always were. And suddenly, Dave's hand was on Klaus's wrist. Klaus had turned his head to ask if Dave was okay and the man just said the words outright.

There was nothing else that was said between them in that moment. That came later after they were given the chance to clean up and to eat. They were sharing a single cigarette and staring at the clear sky, marveling at the singular moment of peace that graced the hellish day. The smell of chemicals wafted from miles away where a village had been napalmed. They were in the safe zone but it still never failed to reach their senses.

Klaus had taken the cigarette from Dave and let it drop, unceremoniously burying it with his heel. 

"Why did you say that?"

Dave hadn't thought about why. He rarely did, nowadays. But now that he had a moment, he thought about all they had lost and all they had left to lose.

"I don't want to regret anything here. And I don't regret you."

Regret-less. Seeing all the death around them and hearing how Klaus could see the mourning and terrifying shades of their fallen comrades made Dave not want to regret anything. If something happened, he wanted to be at peace with who he was and what he had done. Loving Klaus was the best thing he'd done since he'd been deployed. Long ago, he'd given up on the moral mission of protecting the United States from communism. It was all a fool's errand. But if the one good thing he did was love another person so fiercely and so devotedly, that was good enough for him.

They'd seen each other cry on multiple occasions. But Dave rarely let himself go in such a manner. He was vulnerable but this was a part of himself he'd only shared once.

Klaus held him as he cried. It was quiet as not to draw attention. It was a moment only meant to be shared between two people. It was more intimate than being physically bear. Emotional vulnerability was the quickest way to the soul.

Before they parted and retreated to bed, Dave was relieved to hear Klaus confirm his own feelings. He loved him too. And Dave decided it was the best thing he'd ever done with another person.

\--

Dave Katz was never meant to be a soldier.

As the shrapnel buried itself in his chest, the thought came to him just as quickly. It was all quiet and unceremonious. Certainly not like the movies. Klaus hadn't noticed and that worried Dave. What would Klaus do? How was he going to get through this without him? Even as he felt the blood filling his lungs and choking from his lips, he only worried about Klaus. Then his mother, his family. But mostly Klaus.

As Klaus tried to reassure him, Dave found himself meeting those dark eyes he'd fallen in love with months ago. He felt grief for Klaus. He was suffering and there was nothing he could do to comfort him. He could try to fight but his body was losing this battle. 

It would be foolish to say he wasn't afraid of dying. He was afraid of who he was leaving behind. He was afraid of abandoning a future that was just starting to develop. He had so many plans, so many dreams he hadn't told Klaus yet. And now it was all being ripped away.

Dave's name had always sounded so sweet on Klaus's lips. He liked how it sounded better when Klaus said it. But now, it was full of sorrow and loss. Dave tried as best he could to keep going. His fingers closed over Klaus's hand and he kept him in his field of vision with all of his strength. But some things were not meant to be.

There were worse ways to die. Dave had seen countless examples for years and even had perpetrated some. But dying in the arms of the man he loved had to be the best way to go, if he had to pick one.

Loving Klaus Hargreeves had been the best thing he'd done in Vietnam. If he hadn't enlisted, he would never have met him. He would have been aimless, lost in North Carolina's confusing culture. It was a path he'd jumped onto and had led him to a bloody end, but it was the path he could never regret.

Dave Katz had never meant to be a soldier.

He was never meant to die in the trenches of the A Shau Valley. But even at the untimely end, he was glad he ever enlisted to begin with.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave your feedback! I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this piece. Dave is a fascinating character that left a lot to imagination so I'm glad I was able to delve into him a bit!


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